Keeping Control

I want to start off by paying respect & showing gratitude to the initiators of 'Unheard Voices'. For so long, matter of fact seven years of my life, I've been trying to speak up but nobody paid attention to anything I had to say, not even both my folks but I certainly hope this will be different.

I lived a lie for seven years, so ignorant. Failing to accept who I am, trying to impress people but the repercussions were always bitter & sour, still I never learnt. I recall during my grade 8-9 years, I had a friend I happened to love so much, she was lesbian & I wouldn't mind at all because I knew to live with others in harmony without judging them regardless of whatever they do, whoever they are... 

Skip that... As time goes, I found myself caught up in two worlds, one trying to impress, faking who I am just to see her happy while I on the other suffered & my happiness was taken away from me instantly... As all these years passed by, I had made my life a living hell, my folks never trusted me again, everything just switched up & I never knew the word happiness again…

2015-2016, my high school years, yet again the most hectic ones of all.... I developed a change, left my old habits as I was enrolling into a newer level of education. I chose to have new friends & do things differently.... Good Lord knows, I thought I had my life under control those days.

11th March 2015, I fell in love with a 21 years old man, I was only 16 years old... He was a freshman, nice personality, neat & was a very interesting person... So, I fell until there was no way up. The beginning of our relationship was just like any other relationship, we were happy, all lovey dovey, couldn’t even spend a day without each other.,. My goodness, it was all love on my side, I got so attached to this guy in every kind of way, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, you name them.... He made me think the person I was wasn't me, he made me believe I needed to change for the better, that people looked down on me & he was with me because he loves & wanted to help become a better person.

Head over heels in love, I let him in so much, even got my parents to meet him, sold me dreams & made promises he's never delivered till today... I believed As I was driven in the name of love.. We did everything couples do, which let to breaking my virginity, well as I let him.... After our first time, things began to get dull, we fought every single day of our relationship, argued about unnecessary things, he told me not to talk to other boys because he believed every guy I talked to were my lover. I did as he told me.. Sometimes he would just get mad at me, just so we could talk about it & have make up sex...

Countless times he did that... To him all I was now, was a sex slave... I would not refuse because he made me believe that a relationship isn't one without sex, I believed him, I was too scared to lose him as he was the first guy I've given it away to. Sometimes he would beat me up for talking to other guys. This guy would tell who to be friend & who not to be friend... He made me break up with my best friend & claimed she had a negative impact on my relationship with him... Still in the name of love, i left my friend…

The abuse continued but I was too blind to realise, so I continued in the name of love… I would buy gifts for him, take him out, do whatever, just to see him happy. But in return, I was compared to his exes by him, he would make me feel less of myself & claim he's saying all the negative things to make me a strong person.. He started cheating on me with girls around my schools, girls older than I am & would tell me not to worry & listen to rumours as those girls were the ones obsessed with him... But this time, I decided to lowkey date another guy while I was still with him, I needed a distraction, someone my age & wouldn't take advantage of my love & personality.....

Fast forward... He found out I cheated, he was so mad, I swear I never seen like that before.... Told his friends I was a bitch, that I betrayed his love for me, that I took him for granted & he broke up with me..., My world shuttered. I was broken, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.... I lost myself in the process, I started smoking weed, started dating guys & the only thing I believed would make a guy stay with me was sex, having the wrong circle of friends, living my life just so I'm living...

2017, I was done with high school, new year, new resolutions... I cut off everyone I knew from my high school & made new friends... I thought had moved on for the better till I realised I moved on to the weather.... Nothing was different... I met different people with the same intentions as my previous friends... I had a boyfriend & all he was about was sex ... My life was ruined a hundred times, kept losing myself more, attempting on suicide, Blade cuts on my wrist, I was going crazy ...

Found out I was bipolar. I was damaged emotionally & mentally...it was the end of me... Told my mum my story & how badly I got affected but she never paid attention, till today... 2017, May - September, I was in a soul searching process, trying to find myself & trying to repair the damaged.... Took all those months without any contact with people. I hated people those days. I'd spend all my days alone, smoking weed as I used it to meditate..

I found myself, and I have accepted that I'm a magic not everyone will understand....Now, I have made a few friends (quality over quantity), I've found a guy who loves me & has accepted me for me, I have control over my life & will never let anyone have the key control.

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